FRANK ARCHER: The Owner's Guide
by redwalgrl-RG
Summary: In the style of Black Diamond's Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a FRANK ARCHER unit! Read the following guide and learn how to care for and love your very own warmongering, powerhungry bastard!


**FRANK ARCHER: ****The**** Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

**Disclaimer:** Redd doesn't own this idea, the original belongs to Theresa Green, this version is clearly an homage to Diamond Mask. I don't own it, alright? I suggest you read her versions, they're better than mine.

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of a FRANK ARCHER unit! To unlock the full potential of this warmongering sadist, please read the following manual with care, as misuse of the FRANK ARCHER may prove hazardous to your health. Or your country's government.

**Technical Specifications**

Name:Frank Archer (Will respond to "Bastard," "Ari-kun," and "Fuhrer").

Age: Classified Military Information.

Place of Manufacture: Classified Military Information.

Height: Classified Military Information.

Weight: Classified Military Information.

Length: Not even the Military knows.

**Your FRANK ARCHER will come with the following accessories:**

One navy blue Military uniform

One pair of Military boots

One standard, Military issued gun and holster

Note: Without his gun, your FRANK ARCHER unit may unlock the Paranoid mode. There is no way to reverse this mode—it is suggested that you do not bring in a KIMBLEY unit, that would only agitate your FRANK ARCHER. However, unlocking the Slash mode may override this, but as of yet this is untested.

**Removing your FRANK ARCHER from his box**

Unlike most units, the FRANK ARCHER unit is naturally calm and pensive. He will politely wait for you to open the box, and depending on how you treat him, may decide to pump you full of lead. In order to keep this from happening, wear a military uniform with the shoulder blades' insignia of Fuhrer, and an eye patch over your left eye. The FRANK ARCHER unit will immediately obey your every word.

If your FRANK ARCHER refuses to respond to you disguised as the Fuhrer, then he clearly has a defect. Send him back to the manufacturer's as soon as possible. And keep him away from all KIMBLEY units.

**Programming**

Your FRANK ARCHER unit has been included with limited programming options due to his rather sadistic nature:

Pencil Pusher: The FRANK ARCHER unit is naturally good at any pen-and-paper task, and if you can convince him to serve you, he'll willingly do your homework. Just don't expect your ARCHER to forge your signature.

Sharpshooter: Though not as skilled as the RIZA HAWKEYE unit, ARCHER is a talented sharpshooter and will snipe down anything you request him to. Do not joke around with the ARCHER unit, he will take you seriously.

Bodyguard: This function isn't one of the primary two, but your FRANK ARCHER unit can take good care of you (or anyone he is convinced is of a higher military ranking) by shooting down any potential threat.

**Your FRANK ARCHER will come with the following modes:**

Apathetic (_default_)

Sadistic (_default_)

Paranoid (_locked_)

Ambitious

Slash (_locked_)

Out of Character (_locked_)

The ARCHER unit is best suited for doing your paperwork or homework, but his mean streak can often end badly for you—especially if he doesn't trust and/or respect you. The ARCHER unit can become Paranoid if left without his weaponry for extended periods of time. In order to unlock the Slash mode, lock him in a room with a KIMBLEY unit for extended periods of time without sleep or food. (**Warning:** On occasion this will not work, and will result in your ARCHER unit shooting your KIMBLEY unit, or the KIMBLEY blowing up your ARCHER unit. If this happens, try a ROY MUSTANG unit instead. Though that could end badly too. Note that Slash mode can be unlocked without the Out of Character mode enabled; FRANK ARCHER units have a tendency to be interested in relationships with men anyway.)

If your ARCHER unit starts acting selfless and caring, then you have on accident unlocked Out of Character mode (probably by initiating sexual relations with a ROY MUSTANG unit). There is no way to reverse this. To make use of this strange mode, bring in an Out of Character KIMBLEY unit and watch the sparks fly between the three. (**Warning:** The manufacturers are not responsible for any soap operaesque relationships between your ROY MUSTANG, FRANK ARCHER, and ZOLF J. KIMBLEY units.)

**Relations with other units**

ELRIC BROTHERS: The FRANK ARCHER unit is rather indifferent to these boys, but if the EDWARD ELRIC unit tries to stop your FRANK ARCHER unit from launching a war campaign against the LIORE PLAYSET, then you can expect someone to get hurt.

ROY MUSTANG: As long as Out of Character mode is locked, your FRANK ARCHER unit will despite and be envious of the ROY MUSTANG unit. Though there will be no bloodshed, expect your ARCHER to whine about not being a war hero, or not having enough fangirls. If Out of Character mode is unlocked, expect your FRANK ARCHER to search for the nearest ROY MUSTANG unit to fall in love with. This is unavoidable, do not try to deny your Out of Character ARCHER his ROY love. It won't end well for you.

ZOLF J. KIMBLEY: Your FRANK ARCHER unit will convince the ZOLF J. KIMBLEY unit to betray any GREED and DEVIL'S NEST PLAYSET units. Expect to hear lots of explosions coming from nearby, though your FRANK ARCHER will keep you safe from the KIMBLEY unit. In Slash mode, ARCHER and KIMBLEY will have lots of mansex—this is impossible to avoid. If your ARCHER unit has Out of Character mode unlocked as well, then he will usually bring a ROY home as well, causing KIMBLEY to get jealous… (**Warning:** The manufacturers are still not responsible for any soap operaesque drama from these three units.)

RIZA HAWKEYE: The FRANK ARCHER unit does not like the RIZA HAWKEYE unit, and never will. Please note that the TERMINARCHER unit will try to kill Riza at any given moment. The FRANK ARCHER unit will just resort to trying to out-shoot her.

**Cleaning**

The FRANK ARCHER unit is self-sufficient, and he can clean and look after himself. As a matter of fact, the FRANK ARCHER unit will not allow you to clean him at all. Attempting so will more than likely cause you to get shot at, if not hit.

If Out of Character mode is unlocked, you can expect your FRANK ARCHER unit to bate with ROY MUSTANG. Again, do not try to discourage this behavior. The KIMBLEY unit may also join in the fun—though then it will become perverted to fill all your yaoi fangirl needs.

**Feeding**

Your FRANK ARCHER unit is perfectly capable of feeding himself, though he may occasionally want something better than just whatever's in your refrigerator. Give into his whims every once in a while, but be careful or he may unlock Out of Character mode unexpectedly.

**Rest**

Usually good at going to sleep and staying asleep, the FRANK ARCHER unit will refuse sleep when he is on the verge of a big discovery, such as the CHIMERA units or plotting a war. If you cannot convince him to go to sleep, tie him to the bed. (**Warning:** The FRANK ARCHER unit is unaffected by the fluffy handcuffs. Use real handcuffs or rope.)

Also note that your FRANK ARCHER unit may sleep more during the day is Out of Character mode is unlocked. There is no reason to explain why.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My FRANK ARCHER unit ran off to go play with the LIORE PLAYSET and I haven't seen him since! Come to think of it, my KIMBLEY unit is missing too…

A: I hate to tell you this, but your FRANK ARCHER unit won't be coming back, and neither will your KIMBLEY. When exposed to the LIORE playset, the KIMBLEY unit will die and the FRANK ARCHER unit will become TERMINARCHER/ARCHER 2.0. There is no way to reverse this.

Q: Why won't my ARCHER unit listen to me? He's locked himself in one of the spare rooms and refuses to come out!

A: Apparently you didn't assert your dominance over him once you opened the box. Either that, or he's having midnight visits from a KIMBLEY unit.

Q: I left the house for the day and when I came back my ARCHER unit had turned my entire house into an exact replica of the CENTRAL HEADQUARTERS PLAYSET! How did this happen?

A: Your ARCHER unit now has unlocked the secret "Bow down to me, I'm Fuhrer" mode. There is no way to reverse this mode. Too bad for you.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your FRANK ARCHER unit refuses to do anything you ask him and mopes around all day.

Solution: Apparently your ARCHER is set to Out of Character mode and is going through another soap operaesque moment with the ROY MUSTANG unit. In order to make your ARCHER feel better, either bring in an Out of Character KIMBLEY unit, or buy him his very own ROY MUSTANG.

Problem: The FRANK ARCHER unit accidently shot one of your other units and is now pointedly ignoring your scolding.

Solution: This is normal. FRANK ARCHER has absolutely no problem with killing off his competition, or maybe the other unit just insulted him. If your ARCHER was moping, that would be a reason to worry.

Problem: You keep finding random KIMBLEY units in the house.

Solution: Your FRANK ARCHER unit is just doing his job of bringing all the KIMBLEYs back into the military. This is normal as well, though you should set boundaries on how many KIMBLEYs your ARCHER is allowed to bring home.

Problem: Your FRANK ARCHER unit meets a TERMINARCHER/ARCHER 2.0 unit.

Solution: You're screwed.

**Final Note**

After many long years of service, you will undoubtedly reach the end of your lifespan. Seeing as how your FRANK ARCHER unit is a sub-creation from the Certified Bishonen company, he will continue living and provide your descendents with loyal service. As long as they wear an eyepatch.


End file.
